Addams Family Values Baby Pubert in the Dress
Morticia: Wednesday'southward at that very special age when a girl has only one matter on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from sky, and left a diamond nether a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You take gone as well far. You accept married Fester, you accept destroyed his spirit, you lot accept taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But, Debbie...
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
Morticia: ...pastels?
Joel: Wed, do you call up that mayhap anytime y'all might want to get married and take kids?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: But what if you met the right human being, who worshipped and adored yous? Who'd do anything for yous? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.
[equally an Indian, advertising-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: Await!
Amanda: What?
Wed: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky: [whispered] Midweek!
Wednesday: You take taken the country which is rightfully ours. Years from at present my people volition be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will article of clothing cardigans, and potable highballs. We volition sell our bracelets by the road sides. You will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have hurting and degradation. Your people will accept stick shifts. The gods of my tribe take spoken. They have said, "Practice not trust the Pilgrims. Especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words.
Wednesday: And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp y'all and burn your village to the ground.
Amanda: Hello, I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?
Wed: Similar what?
Amanda: Like you're going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Look.
Debbie Jellinsky: I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't bask hurting anybody. I don't similar guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. Only sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie Jellinsky: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or *were they*? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My altogether.
[the slide shows her as a kid, smiling and opening a gift]
Debbie Jellinsky: I was 10, and do you know what they got me? *Malibu* Barbie.
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky: [flicks to the adjacent slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum] That's not what I wanted! That's non who I was. I was a *ballerina*, graceful, fragile! They had to go.
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]
Gomez: [shouting] I demand justice! Someone has married my brother!
Desk-bound sergeant: [sarcastically] No!
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii!
Desk sergeant: [cynically] Go outta here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive domicile, where they make love *constantly*!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens.
Gomez: Abort her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant: Who?
Gomez: Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the stone?
Gomez: Officer, you must issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia: Gomez, NO!
Gomez: [shouting] A Buick!
Desk sergeant: [subsequently beingness asked to arrest Debbie] Only leave, leave quietly, leave now. Don't make me telephone call Ringling Brothers.
Gomez: [shouting] Has the planet gone mad? My brother, passion's hostage. I seek justice - denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall ascent! My proper noun is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Grandmama waves Pubert in the air]
Gomez: I have seen horror!
[Lurch waves]
Gomez: I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the nighttime recesses of the man soul!
Morticia: They're at camp.
Gomez: I accept seen all this, officer. But until today, I had never seen... *you*!
Desk-bound sergeant: Hook him, volume him, melt him. *Now*!
Morticia: [to Gomez] I'chiliad simply like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It'southward just, I wish I had more time to seek out the nighttime forces and join their hellish cause.
Wednesday: I don't desire to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and nether-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, graphic symbol, and the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting but a tad tired of your attitude problem.
[about Pubert]
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't printing charges.
[the dancer in the cake doesn't pop out]
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in in that location before yous baked?
[Lurch hangs his head]
Gomez: C'est la vie!
Morticia: [to Debbie] You lot accept enslaved him. You lot have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But delight, may we see him?
Morticia: My baby is ill, and my married man is dying. Oh, Mama, what shall I do?
Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.
Wednesday: Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Commonwealth.
[Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in one-half]
Wed: Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.
[Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white clothes and bonnet]
Wednesday: [to Pubert] You take betrayed the people of French republic. You are evil incarnate. How practice you plead?
Pugsley: [holds upward Pubert, speaks in "infant voice"] Guilty!
Wednesday: Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is decease. Executioner, place her on the block.
[Pugsley lays Pubert downwards in the guillotine]
Wednesday: 1... 2...
Morticia: [from downstairs] Children, what are y'all doing?
Wednesday,Pugsley: Playing!
Wednesday: ...3!
[She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the bract in his fingers]
Wed: Woe to the Democracy.
[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky: It'southward an American Bald Eagle!
Gary: Simply aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.
Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do nosotros say?
Wednesday: Be afraid. Exist very afraid.
[Morticia is reading "The Cat in the Chapeau" to Pubert, who has aureate curls and rosy cheeks]
Morticia: Are yous enjoying this?
[sadly]
Morticia: To call up, a child of mine!
[turns the folio]
Morticia: "I know information technology is moisture, and the sun is not sunny. Only nosotros can have lots of practiced fun... that is funny."
[flipping to the last folio]
Morticia: Oh, no. He lives.
Heather: [kickoff nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. And so, this morning, permit's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them?
[lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] All right, children, I've had it up to hither. Now you simply answer one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wed: Which part?
Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] How-do-you-do, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Permit's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll make clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.
Don Buckman: Our Amanda's already skipped two grades. How 'bout your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!
Wednesday: [continuing a ghost story] And and so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you lot really believe in me, so I'll have to show my ability." And the next morn, when the campers woke up, all of their erstwhile noses had grown dorsum.
[all of the girls scream]
Debbie Jellinsky: So I-I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed ane innocent life after some other. Aren't I a human being being? Don't I yearn, and anguish, and shop? Don't I deserve dearest... and jewelry?
Joel: [he is dressed similar Gomez] How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing.
Debbie Jellinsky: And I dreamed that when I met him that nosotros would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to i another, to make the ultimate cede.
Uncle Fester: A caprine animal?
Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know nosotros're all top-notch little swimmers, but now we become to bear witness our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our kickoff fiddling pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Midweek: Is that your overbite?
Gary: At present, one of y'all will be the drowning victim and the other ane gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wed: All your life.
Gomez: [visibly disgusted] Fresh air. The aroma of pine.
[hands Pugsley a cigar]
Morticia: Midweek, look at all of the other children, their freckles, their bright footling optics, their eager, friendly smiles. Assistance them.
Grandma: Unless Fester comes back, nosotros're talking *dimples*.
Gomez: Not in this house!
Grandma: He could stay this way for years! Forever! He could become... a lawyer.
Gomez: I won't listen!
Grandma: An orthodontist!
Morticia: Mama! Terminate!
Grandma: President!
Gomez: [looking upward in a higher place] Please! I beg you! Take me!
[sobs openly]
Wednesday: [to Gomez and Morticia] You sent u.s.a. to camp. They made united states sing.
Uncle Fester: [walking down the hallway, arms total of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Midweek: Concrete pleasure.
Uncle Fester: Ooohhh!
Pugsley: Uncle Fester, exercise you miss Debbie?
Uncle Fester: Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, get back to your room!"
Wednesday: Pugsley, the infant weighs ten pounds, the cannonball weighs 20 pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The cannonball?
Wednesday: Very skilful. Just which i will bounce?
Pugsley: The babe?
Wednesday: There'southward simply one way to find out. Ready? ane... 2... 3...
Debbie Jellinsky: My latest married man, my late married man, Fester.
Uncle Fester: The fool.
Debbie Jellinsky: The corpse. And his ambrosial family. You took me in, you lot accustomed me, but did whatever of you love me? Actually love me?
Gomez: Hands!
[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]
Morticia: [to Debbie] All the of import numbers: police, burn department, morgue.
Debbie Jellinsky: [to Fester and Matter] I'll get you lot - and your little hand, too!
Gomez: [to his family] To mirth, to merriment... to manslaughter.
Uncle Fester: Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez: The rash?
Morticia: Information technology'southward gone?
Uncle Fester: I'g engaged!
[Debbie shows them the ring]
Morticia: That ring!
Gomez: It was our mother'southward. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]
Uncle Fester: [talking to Gomez almost wanting a relationship with a woman] I... I have *needs*!
Gomez: ...There's Thing!
[Thing shudders]
[driving to Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: Information technology's an quondam Indian word.
Wednesday: It means "orphan."
Gomez: [to Fester] I promise that anytime you lot'll know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.
Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Expect at this. I got 'em. "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series. I'one thousand but missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac Guy.
Gary: [blows whistle] Attending! Hey! Listen up, everybody! I'thousand Gary Granger!
Becky: And I'm Becky Martin-Granger!
Gary: We're the owners and directors here at Camp Chippewa. America's foremost facility for privileged young adults.
Becky: And nosotros're all here to learn, to grow, and to only plain accept fun!
Gary: 'Cause that's what being privileged is all most!
Gomez: At his asking, I would rip out my eyes. At his command, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia: Why await?
[at Debbie's business firm]
Morticia: Where are nosotros?
Grandma: It looks familiar... Of course! The gates of hell.
Uncle Fester: [equally they are getting married, Fester tearfully recites his vows] I, Fester Addams, exercise hereby declare my un-catastrophe love.
[sobbing]
Uncle Fester: I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone.
[openly sobbing]
Uncle Fester: Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.
Debbie Jellinsky: [nearly indifferent] Nice.
[to Cousin Itt, who acts as minister]
Debbie Jellinsky: Ditto.
Uncle Fester: [Referring to Matter relieving Fester's "desires"] It's non the same thing, I want legs, a body... a head.
Gomez: TWO legs?
Morticia: [to Gomez] One firm, three children, then many windows.
Debbie Jellinsky: My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.
Grandma: What most your needs?
Debbie Jellinsky: "Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a common cold."
[the next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Surgeon]
Grandma: An axe! That takes me back.
Morticia: [Matter hops on Debbie's shoulder] Thing, terminate that.
Gomez: He likes you.
Debbie Jellinsky: [Debbie sucks on Affair'southward index finger; he shudders and falls off] I'k expert with my easily.
Debbie Jellinsky: Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.
Morticia: The agency? But they claimed no ane else was available. They suggested a Doberman.
[last lines]
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I wanted to impale my husband, I'd practise it, and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel: How?
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.
Joel: No, you wouldn't.
[kneels at Debbie's grave]
Joel: Nosotros're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.
[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]
Joel: Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Midweek: What?
Joel: I dice.
Military camp Children: [at Thanksgiving play, singing, dressed every bit Thanksgiving nutrient] Swallow us! Hey, its Thanksgiving Solar day! Eat u.s.a., we brand a nice buffet! We lost the race with Farmer Ed, swallow us 'cause we're expert and dead. White human being or red man from e, north or south, chop off our legs, and put 'em in your mouth!
Pugsley: Swallow me!
Camp Children: Sautéed or barbecued!
Pugsley: Eat me!
Army camp Children: We once were pets merely now we're food! We won't stay fresh for very long! And so eat us before nosotros finish this vocal! Eat united states of america before we stop this song!
Uncle Fester: Information technology's me, Gomez! I've tried to be someone I'm not. I live in shame... and the suburbs!
Gomez: But you belong to Debbie! Yous're Debbie'south dear toy! You are *Mr. Debbie*!
Uncle Fester: I am an Addams!
Gomez: Fester!
[they embrace]
Debbie Jellinsky: Married man number two. The senator. He loved his state, he loved his country!
Grandma: What about Debbie?
Debbie Jellinsky: "Sorry, Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an instance." Oh yes? Prepare this!
[the next slide shows the Senator, panicking equally car headlights approach him]
Morticia: [in a philosophical sighing tone] Our whole family unit... together at last... 3 generations... higher up footing.
Debbie Jellinsky: [shouting from offstage, then suddenly appearing on the scene holding a ridiculous-looking fatty-bodied old-fashioned sawed-off shotgun, which she pumps dramatically to sleeping accommodation a crush] IN-LAWS!
[Shluck-shlick!]
Wednesday: Hurry up!
Pugsley: I'yard coming.
Joel: Wait!
Wednesday: Who's there?
Joel: Exist careful. Tetanus.
[siren sounds]
Amanda: [walking toward Midweek, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Campsite Children] At that place they are! I saw them sneak out.
Gary: Children, what do you think you're doing?
Wednesday: Nosotros have to encounter our family. It'due south very important.
Becky: More than important than a summer of fun? More than important than making new friends? More than of import than sharing?
Gary: And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.
Joel: I-I take to get out of hither. I have allergies.
Becky: [mockingly] Oh, y'all're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?
Joel: Yes.
Amanda: I think they should be punished.
[starts chanting]
Amanda: Punish!
Campsite Children: [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!
Becky: No! No! We are *not* hither to punish. We are here to inspire.
Gary: Campers? Do you know what I think our little ninja friends hither need? Practice yous know what just might turn their deplorable and potentially wasted footling lives right all around?
Joel: What?
Military camp Children: [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.
Gary: Aye, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."
Becky: "Lassie Come Habitation."
Gary: "The Piffling Mermaid."
Wed: Stop it!
Joel: [motioning to Pugsley] He's but a child.
Pugsley: [in the Thanksgiving play] I am a turkey. Kill me.
Gary: [opens cabin door] Mail service call.
[handing out mail]
Gary: Addams!
Becky: [handing out mail] Barclay, Cesselman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Barclay, Finley, Fisher, Gingham, Ginley, Harper.
Wednesday: Oh, no.
Pugsley: What is it?
Wed: This is unspeakable.
Becky: Is something wrong, Midweek? Bad news?
Wednesday: This is the worst matter that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester's getting married.
Gary: A wedding? Simply that's great news!
Amanda: To whom?
Wednesday: The nanny.
Amanda: Go out of the motel. I mean, I'd impale myself. The assist?
Becky: I'm sure she's a very nice lady.
Amanda: I think that's disgusting. I recall their whole family'south like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like, circus people.
Pugsley: [menacingly] What did you lot say?
Becky: Campers! Group hug!
Gary: Wednesday... Pugsley. Will a hug injure us?
Wed: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.
Gary: I'm sensing some friction hither. Somethin' not quite Chippewa.
Camp Children: Mm-hmm.
Gary: But, hey, no problemo. All they need are skilful friends, practiced fun, and a lilliputian time in the Harmony Hut.
Grandma: [in Pubert'due south at present lighthearted nursery] Stay back! He's very ill!
Morticia: [Morticia and Gomez wait over into his cradle to see a blond, rosy-cheeked, smiling baby] My baby!
[Gomez faints]
Midweek: Do yous believe in the existence of evil?
Joel: Well, did you met my mom?
Midweek: My uncle Fester's about to get married to this woman in a white uniform.
Joel: A radiologist.
Wednesday: A nanny
[Wednesday reads the letter in her hand]
Wednesday: "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."
Gary: [impatiently] Glicker, go!
[Joel gives upwards and flings the arrow at the ground]
Becky: Good endeavor!
[Joel goes to the finish of the line, equally Pugsley takes the bow, and Wed finishes reading]
Wednesday: "When yous are grown up and very lonely, yous will sympathise. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.
Uncle Fester: Gomez, do you call up what we were like? I hated yous!
Gomez: I despised you lot!
Uncle Fester: I high-strung him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
Gomez: I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
Uncle Fester: When he was comatose, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
Gomez: Y'all did?
Uncle Fester: [laughs hysterically] Ah, blood brother!
Gomez: Brother!
[Gomez flings him into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the tabular array, flinging them all effectually Fester, with several right next to his caput. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last iv are done with Gomez'south back to him]
Uncle Fester: Children, yous see?
Gomez: [to Thing] Good show, old man.
Morticia: [walking into Pubert'due south nursery] Oh, Gomez. It'south dark, information technology's depressing, it's desolate.
Gomez: Information technology says "toddler".
Morticia: It's a dream.
Gomez: Come, cara mia.
Morticia: [to Gomez, after Pubert shoots a flaming arrow into the ceiling] Did you lot encounter that?
Morticia: [handing Pubert to Debbie] You lot've had your shots? Measles, mumps, rabies?
Gomez: [opens the window to savour the night air, and catches Pubert as he falls from the roof] Cara mia!
Morticia: Oh dear.
Mrs. Glicker: [regarding Joel dressed equally an Indian] 20 grand for summertime camp and he's Mr. Woo-Woo.
Lurch: [a cannonball that Wednesday and Pugsly driblet from the roof lands on his head] Grrrrr...
Uncle Fester: I'm making such a mess of things. Gomez! How do you do it? How can I be like yous? How can I be... suave?
Gomez: Woo her. Admire her. Make her experience like she's the most sublime beast on Earth.
Gomez: Perfection achieved. We are the luckiest brothers on Earth. We are unworthy of such splendor, undeserving of such radiance.
Uncle Fester: Uh... that's right! We should have... ugly girls!
Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn't become horseback riding.
Wednesday: That's all?
Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday: Why non?
Joel: I simply wanted to read.
Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel'due south book] Not on my time, four-eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Debbie Jellinsky: Good-bye everybody! Wish me luck!
The Addams Family: Good luck!
Morticia: And then... you still desire me afterward all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I'll get them!
Uncle Fester: [about Debbie] She makes me call up of... volatile chemicals.
Gomez: Truly, Fester? Has it finally happened at long last?
Uncle Fester: I don't know! I recall so!
Debbie Jellinsky: [shouts at moving men] These are cute things! They're from catalogues!
[first lines]
Wednesday: [giving a funeral to a cat in a shoe-box] Come, sorrow; nosotros welcome thee. Permit u.s. join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.
Grandma: Dearly love...
Wednesday: [the cat mews and Wed shakes the box] Shh! Serenity!
Grandma: [starts piling dirt on the box]
Gary: Children, stop it! You're destroying my text!
[repeated line]
Lurch: Uh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-uh!
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106220/quotes/qt0467722
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